Something of a major disruption occurred in my family some years ago. My mother’s sister had been dating a man for several years, and nobody understood the relationship. My aunt had always been a smart and capable woman, but the man she continued to see was far from ideal. He worked, but he moved from job to job randomly. On the few occasions when we saw them together, at a holiday dinner, he was never overtly abusive to he, but he was one of the dullest and most generally unpleasant people I had ever met. He was virtually incapable of conversation as well and, when he did speak, it was clear that he had a limited intelligence, and also harbored racial and gender biases. He was not even physically attractive, and the entire family was completely at a loss as to why my aunt continued to see him. My mother suggested that her sister was only fearful of growing older alone, yet this did not seem like a convincing explanation. What happened, then, is that we all chose to “wait it out.”
It then came as a real shock when my aunt announced that she was marrying this man. Prior to this, my mother and a few other relations had spoken to her about the man, not directly condemning him, but implying that the relationship did not seem to be a good one at all. My aunt accepted these criticisms and the family maintained hope that she was reconsidering her choice. Nonetheless, when my aunt announced the wedding, it was in a defiant way. I was there at the time. My father behaved calmly and congratulated her, but this coming event nearly traumatized the rest of the family. On the day of the wedding, several close relatives refused to attend, and it was one of the most uncomfortable days of my life. Since then, there has been minimal contact with my aunt, and I believe everyone involved holds to a pretense. My aunt pleads that she and her husband are busy when my mother invites them over, and my parents do not discuss what they suspect about the state of the marriage. Even when gossip or news reveals that my aunt and her husband are having problems, nothing is said. Ultimately, this is like a shadow in he family, ongoing and unsettling. No one speaks of my aunt unless necessary.
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Since that wedding, I myself have rarely considered the reality of the situation. There have been moments when I wondered why anyone would commit to someone so wrong is so many ways, but I did not dwell on this long. Recently, however, I find myself considering my aunt’s marriage in a different way, and as a kind of analogy. While I do not wish to express intense political views here, I have been disturbed by the actions of the current administration, and do not support the policies of the President as I read them in the news. To me, the government is extremely irresponsible, and I have many friends, and many more online, who share this view. More to the point, however, I know people who disagree with me, and seem to see realities I cannot see. For example, when the government attempted several times to impose travel bans on Muslims from certain nations, I and many others objected to what was a blatant violation of the Constitution. I was discussing this with one friend in particular, and was greatly surprised when he supported the ban, arguing that national security demanded such measures. I countered that the facts did not indicate that visiting Muslims were a threat, and that most terrorism in the nation had been done by white supremacists. I offered to cite legitimate sources, as well.
What happened, not surprisingly, is that this friend drifted away from me, and quickly. It was at this time that my mind returned to my aunt, and I began to wonder about how reality may be seen so completely differently by different people. We feel that we know situations that are clearly factual and cannot be denied. When we encounter resistance, we often try to “reach” the other person, as my mother did with my aunt and as I did with my friend. However, this is usually not helpful, and because the other has deep reasons for holding to what they believe, and reasons which have little to do with factual reality. I do not think I am arrogant and I believe we all can learn, but there are circumstances, such as with the current administration, that I perceive as too “real” to be denied. I know my mother’s shock at the wedding announcement was based on the same sense of facing what could not possibly make sense. With my friend and my aunt, their denial is gradated, and there are levels of “mature” denial in which the person partially recognizes the reality, yet chooses to create rationales and reasons excusing what is unacceptable (Reeve, 2014, p. 486). This explains my friends turning to national security and, in a sense, my aunt’s decision to marry. When beliefs are challenged, denial is triggered, and the person will seize on virtually anything to validate what they want to be true. Then, and importantly, defense mechanisms generate distorted reality, and others cannot understand the thinking or behavior of another because that person does not “see” what others see (Ridley, 2005, p. 66). Unfortunately, then, my family story reflects a greater truth of human psychology. In personal or social arenas, many of us are deeply frustrated because someone we have cared for insists, for whatever reason, on supporting something not worth supporting.
- Reeve, J. (2014). Understanding Motivation and Emotion. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.
- Ridley, C. R. (2005). Overcoming Unintentional Racism in Counseling and Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide to Intentional Intervention. Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE.
