Everyone experiences conflict, whether it is at the personal level or the public level, since even monarchs must contend with disagreements! It is essential to know how to resolve conflicts so that everyone gets something of what he or she wanted at the beginning. Conflict management techniques include empathic listening, acknowledging the concerns of the other side, mediation, separating the people from the problem, defining and discussing the problem, focusing on interests and not positions by identifying the players and their interests, and collaborating to design a solution (Billikopf, 2004).
The two skills that I think will be most useful in my own interpersonal relationships are empathic listening and separating the people from the problem. In empathic listening, one person speaks 85-90% of the time while the other one asks questions, restates what the speaker said, or makes encouraging conversational sounds the other 10-15%. Billikopf (2004) states, “One of the greatest gifts we can give another is that of truly listening.” In order to listen empathically, I strive to feel along with the speaker and to allow him or her to direct the conversation. Patience is required so that I do not interrupt her or show via my body language that I am getting bored. It is even more difficult – but crucial – to avoid giving unwanted advice. However, if I learn this skill and model it for others, we all benefit (Conflict Resolution Center, n.d.). Empathic listening allows people around me to feel worthwhile.
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It may take a lot of empathic listening on both sides before the two parties are ready to collaborate. This is especially true when there has been little communication for a time because anger and resentments that have built up must be relieved before the conflicting parties can communicate objectively. For example, if I have a friend who is always late when we meet, but I do not talk to her about how I feel, I will become more upset each time I see her. When I finally tell her that I do not like waiting on her, my feelings may be so strong that I explode. In that situation, I should listen to her empathically, modeling for her the behavior I’d like to see (i.e. listening skills). Alternatively, as suggested by Mintrom (2003), I may want to begin by talking to a neutral third party about my feelings.
To separate the person from the problem, I remind myself that we are not our actions and that attacking someone’s character or personality is not only hurtful but also counterproductive. In the example above, there is much more to my late friend than simply lateness. Her personality, interests, and other behaviors combine to make her a whole person. If I remember this, it is much easier for me to address the problem of her lateness without hurting her. The issue is behavior, not personality. Often, using an “I” statement rather than a “you” statement is enough to focus attention to the problem itself. For example, I might say to my friend, “I feel unimportant when you are late to our lunches.” This lets my friend know how I feel without making accusations or attacking her character (Conflict Resolution Network, n.d.). In this way, we both win.
Healthcare reform has been a controversial topic in the United States for a long time, especially since the election of President Obama in 2008. In March of 2010, the President signed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA), also called Obamacare. Provisions of the law include the extension of Medicaid to more low-income Americans, the ability of children to stay on their parents’ healthcare until age 26, and specific plans for those with preexisting conditions. In addition, the Act included an individual mandate that states every individual must have health insurance or pay a penalty. Congress was sharply divided on this issue, and polls indicated Americans were divided too. As a result, the Act almost failed to pass and would not have passed under its original provisions. Debate has continued, with the Supreme Court hearing related testimony and state legislatures creating their own healthcare laws (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2013).
The conflict management skills of empathic listening and separating the person from the problem can be useful even in a large-scale, public issue such as healthcare reform (Mintrom, 2003). The Democratic and Republican parties have been highly contentious on this problem, to the extent that it appears they do not want a solution unless it is exactly what they originally sought. This has resulted in a lose-lose situation in the form of a stalemate (even though PPACA passed, only Democrats backed it). If representatives from each party – for example, the House majority and minority leaders – sat down together and listened to each other empathically, they might be able to collaborate effectively. Both sides have resorted to name-calling, personal attacks, and lying because they have not separated people from problems (Billikopf, 2004). If I spoke to my friend that way, there would be no hope of getting her to arrive on time! Both Republicans and Democrats must begin to respect each other and focus on the problem itself in order to resolve their differences.
- Billikopf, G. (2004). Party-Directed Mediation. Modesto, CA: University of California.
- Conflict Resolution Network. (n.d.). Conflict Resolution Kit. Retrieved from http://www.crnhq.org/
- Mintrom, M. (2003). People Skills for Policy Analysts. Washington, DC: Georgetown University Press.
