“The most beautiful people we have known are those that have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.”
~Elizabeth Kübler-Ross
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients and in 1969 published her landmark book “On Death and Dying.” The value of her work lies within the dialogue created between people discussing the meaning of death and dying. Although there are numerous accounts of patients responding to terminal diagnoses, there are also stories that instill hope and display acceptance. Bioethicist Kuczewski (2004) observed that the critical and lasting point of these stories remains within the original subtitle: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy and their own families.
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"Healthy Grief".
Kübler-Ross’ well accepted theory describes five stages or steps in the grieving process. These include: 1) denial and isolation; 2) anger; 3) bargaining; 4) depression and 5) acceptance. It was Dr. Kübler-Ross’ belief that an individual negotiates each stage as they deal with emotions related to dying or losing a loved one. The passage through each stage allows a person to come to healthy terms with their loss. The progression through the stages does not need to occur in order. A person might skip over one and come back to it later or regress back into a previous stage. The idea is to identify associated emotions and approach them in a way to reach resolution.
These five stages described by Kübler-Ross are also illustrated within the text of the Book of Job. Lyon (2000) points out that Job’s early denial of the gravity of his condition are seen in 1:21 “…The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”[New International Version] and in 2:10 “…Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job displays his anger in 7:11–15:”Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard? When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine.”
He starts to consider bargaining with God in 9:33–34: “If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both, someone to remove God’s rod from me, so that his terror would frighten me no more.” Job’s depression is clear and obvious within the entire book, as in 10:18: “Why then did you bring me out of the womb? I wish I had died before any eye saw me.” His acceptance is illustrated in this frequently quoted passage in 13:15: “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him. Job has a conversation with God that is meant to remind him that his suffering requires perspective, Job replies: “…Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know” (42:3).
The book of Job deals with human suffering, telling a story of a wealthy man who is faced with losing his health, family and possessions. Job also demonstrates someone who does not follow the classic stages of grief pattern. Job’s suffering is characterized throughout the 42 chapters of this book as he moves back and forth within the stages. He curses the day he was born, wants to reconcile with God, yet is prone to anger over God’s injustice. In the midst of grief, most people are overwhelmed by the feelings of loss and pain. This is exactly where Job finds himself.
Although death is universal, spiritual beliefs can influence how death is viewed. Thrane (2010) points out that family and community interconnectedness, karma, and reincarnation are major beliefs of Hinduism. Karma is considered a blend of vast and moral cause and effect that can span a lifetime with many opportunities for spiritual growth. The idea of karma implies that suffering is part of life. Suffering can then be interpreted as a result of either past thoughts or actions in a present or former life. The belief in reincarnation provides comfort to the dying and their family members because they know their loved one will be enter into a different life, but not gone forever. If a Hindu bears physical suffering it can result in spiritual growth and a prosperous rebirth.
The Hindus seem to have the formula that intertwines joy and grief. Their view of death is one that sees the spirit move on to a better life and that suffering has been an integral part of the equation. In the Christian faith, there is the belief that one should not judge their circumstances given that Christ suffered and died on the cross for all mankind. There is a joy in knowing that God‘s love will be with you in good times and bad. As stated in John 16:22: “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”
The book of Job provided examples of the various stages involved in grieving prior to the introduction Kübler-Ross’ grief model. One last lesson learned from the writings in Job is the value of listening. In 21:2 Job pleads, “Listen carefully to my words; let this be the consolation you give me. Bear with me while I speak.” However, there are times when the physical gesture of holding one’s hands or sharing tears can replace the need for any words. This research has reinforced my beliefs about the grieving process. Life experience provides wisdom that helps a person determine what comfort measures are most appropriate for the circumstances. Healthy grieving can provide strength, foster maturity and create a greater capacity for patience. Ultimately, grieving teaches us to appreciate the glory that is possible in each moment.
- Kübler-Ross, E.(1997). On Death and Dying. New York, New York: Scribner.
- Kuczewski, M. G. (2004). Re-reading on death & dying: What Elisabeth Kübler-Ross can teach clinical bioethics. The American Journal of Bioethics, 4 (4), W18-W23.
- Lyon, D.S. (2000). Before Kübler-Ross: Lessons About Grief from the Book of Job. Obstetrics and Gynecology, 96 (1): 151-2.
- Thrane, S. (2010). Hindu End of Life: Death, Dying, Suffering and Karma. Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care, 12(6), 337-342.
