It was a perfect evening as the summer time was shifting into fall making the temperature perfect for the formal attire but not so cool as to be uncomfortable without a heavy jacket. There was no sign of rain and it seemed as if everything was set for my friend to have the perfect wedding day. My friend, a Puerto Rican bride, was about to take on the role of a Puerto Rican wife. I sat near the center aisle, twelve rows back from the altar as the members of both families took up the eleven rows of pews to the front of me on both sides. I remember thinking “I have never seen so many family members in support of a marriage or collected in one place before.” Everyone looked so happy and pleased with the union that, even though I was also excited for my friend, I could not believe the amount of positive energy that I felt within the church. The idea of family took on a whole new meaning as I realized that this was the way that all attended the weddings of their family members with such affection when two cousins in front of me were overheard talking about a ceremony the previous year when they had flown out together to attend.
There was a lot of talking amongst the family members as they speculated about the wedding dress that the bride would soon appear wearing as well as the reaction of the groom. Then, out of nowhere, everyone fail quiet and the priest appeared at the podium, the groom took his place in front of him, the bridesmaids, dressed in silver and blue walked instinctively past myself and the other guests until the front of the church was aligned with bridesmaids and groomsmen anticipating the presentation of the bride. Until this point, my only true moment of awe was in the magnitude of the present guests. I could clearly recognize that this was a different atmosphere than any wedding that I had previously attended but, looking back, I was not prepared for what would follow.
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As in most weddings, the guests all stood as the bride was escorted by her father towards her groom. Her gown, an eloquent white mermaid style white dress with pearls aligning the waist. Her hair was tucked beneath her veil that her father promptly pulled over her face after a moment of apparent tenderness prior to beginning their walk. The emotions were high as I could see the tears in her father’s eyes and noted the trembling of their hands as they passed by. Her father, dressed in a black tuxedo with a silver cummerbund and tie, matched the attire worn by the man who stood before him to take on the role that he had held since the moment of her birth. The approach was slow, as if it allowed him a bit more time in his own role before handing his daughter to become a wife.
I remember expecting a moment of resentment once they reached the aisle. I remember thinking that, as in previous weddings that I had attended, the very exchange would be mundane and filled with ceremonial terminology that was required such as “who gives this woman” and a quick response of “her mother and I do.” I thought that the exchange would be brief and the father would step away in sadness. Looking back, I could not have been more wrong. Certainly, the formalities were spoken by the priest but the father did not simply reply formally. Instead, he addressed the groom frankly, honestly, and respectfully.
“I understand you believe you can reach out for my daughter’s hand and be able to provide for her as I have done for many years. I understand that you believe that you will keep her love of family in mind in every decision that you make for your own family. I understand that if you did not believe these things to be true that you would, despite the shame, walk away from this altar leaving her with the dignity of also walking away. I understand that you believe that you are the man that can and will love my daughter, treat her with respect, provide for her needs, and allow her to continue to be true to herself and her heritage. I am correct that these are the things that you stand here claiming to believe before myself, my daughter, our families, and God?”
The groom responded with “yes sir, our corrected. These are the things that I believe to be true and intend to spend my life proving.” It was clear that the groom was confident in his response but there was a moment of silence where all eyes and ears were on her father waiting his reaction as if everyone was standing in the same place as was the groom. I remember wondering if the father was going to accept this response or if there was some underlying intention of returning to the back of the church with his daughter. He still held tightly to her hand. Her bouquet of white lilies were still clutched against her wedding gown. Her veil still covered her face as if she was still hidden from the man who waited to be her husband. Everything was paused and only the father could resume the ceremony. Her father bowed his head for a moment as if in prayer or waiting some divine guidance. He then looked back at her mother and gazed across the guests who were anxiously watching his emotions on his face. This was his moment to decide what would come next and it was obvious that he took this decision very serious. The bride did not make a gesture. She did not indicate what she would like her father to do. She simply stood next to him in full support of him taking his time in this moment. Again, this was his moment of change. This was a shifting of roles that he did not take lightly. What would happen next would change everyone’s lives and relationships with one another. He had to be sure. And then he was.
Reaching his daughter’s hand to the hand of her groom, the father stated, “then I too believe these things.” He kissed his daughter on the cheek and took his place in the front seat next to her mother. His walk from the altar to his seat was quick and confident unlike his walk from the back of the church with his daughter. The ceremony had not truly commenced but the primary purpose of the wedding had been completed. The wedding was not specifically about the bride and the groom but rather was about the groom and the father of the bride. The cultural acceptance of patriarchy appeared to be the primary characteristic of this interchange. The two of them seemed to take vows of their own. The father stated the role of the man in the home and the groom accepted these roles and responsibilities. The emotions were clear building up to this as if the father was holding on to the last moments of his own role but were less apparent as he passed the responsibilities confidentially to her groom. The vows that followed between the bride and groom were beautifully written and kept the attention of the majority of the guests. However, no other moment throughout the ceremony was as notable nor discussed as much as was the interaction between the two primary men in the different stages of the life of the bride: her father and her groom.
