The simple days of drawing and mastering the alphabet are some of my first memories of when I entered the world; well that, and constantly wetting the bed! I would spend hours at the playground with my friends and establish my first connections with the world around me. My parents’ would question me when I came home from school asking if I liked any girls or what sports I was interested in playing. The thoughts concerning these topics raced through my head at the speed of light. I couldn’t articulate why I didn’t enjoy all these stereotypical things that constitute a ‘real man.’ As I got older, my peers began to obsess about the idea of girls. Girls were the central theme of discussion on most days. This is when I truly started to understand that I was unique. I viewed guys the way they looked at girls. I was confused and didn’t know what to think of these natural feelings that had always been present. However, what I did know was that I would take this ‘secret’ with me to my grave. It was something that provoked a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. The thought of letting my family down was a fear that lived inside me even as a little boy. I made a concerted effort to act in such a way so that there would be no questions related to my sexuality. I felt as if my soul had died and as a result my existence was reduced to that of a walking corpse. I despised myself! My life seemed to get progressively worse as time went on. At the end of 8th grade I felt like I had reached my absolute low. Everything about myself disgusted me, as I slowly fell away from my family and all the passions important in my life. My grades suffered and I was nothing more than an average student. One day, after a long week of restless nights, my mom could sense something was very off about me. I felt as though I could not contain this ‘secret’ inside my body any longer. At the same time, I was haunted by the years filled with thoughts of all the egregious things that could happen if I actually told anyone. My mother could no longer endure my endless silence. So, one day after school she pulled into the Jewel Osco parking lot and said, “I’m not moving this car until you tell me what’s wrong.” The irrational fears I created that she would despise me, swept through me like a tidal wave. We sat there in silence for what felt like hours. I couldn’t fathom uttering the word I had grown to hate for so many years. I exclaimed to her that I, indeed, could not say it. Predictably, my mother said that there was nothing in the world that I could tell her that would make her love me any less. At that very second, as I vividly remember even to this day, I blurted out, “I’m gay.” My mother instantly smiled and said, “I want my babies to be happy and part of being happy is always being true to yourself.” All of the potential outcomes I had played out in my head about disclosing my “secret” to the world had vanished. I had the real scenario right in front of my face. The burden I carried that laid heavy on my heart and soul for what seemed like an eternity was suddenly lifted. Pain that had accumulated for years was gone by these surprising words from my mother. She opened my eyes to the fact that being yourself is all you can truly be. I felt like Polonius in Shakespeare’s Hamlet thinking through those words, “This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night, the day. Thou canst not be false to any man.”
After that day my life seemed to have purpose again. The realization that trying to be somebody you’re not in order to appease others is the easiest way to a meaningless life. I started to engage in the activities that I had always enjoyed, like fishing with my dad. After starting high school, I regained my determination and worked hard at getting the grades necessary to make something of myself. I realized that my life was now authentic; I could really start making my mark in the world.
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My determination paid off and I currently have a 3.8 GPA and have been inducted into the National Honor Society. My academic studies have involved Advanced Placement course work, including English and Math. I have also been an active member in the Key Club, Mathletes and Ecology Club. Once I became serious about being a better student, I discovered that I had a genuine aptitude for math and science. However, I also have a strong desire to help others. I have decided to pursue a rigorous Pre-Medical curriculum and combine the basic sciences with a well rounded liberal arts education. I feel that this combination will prepare me best for a successful career.
My decision to become a physician was a result of a school trip to Costa Rica. During this visit I observed how poverty can affect a child’s well being. I saw many children with birth defects, such as cleft lip and palates. I spoke to a doctor on the flight who was returning from a mission trip. He was involved in a volunteer effort to donate his time doing surgical procedures to correct birth defects. This was truly a defining moment for me. I instinctively knew that this was something I wanted to be part of. I have been fortunate to travel to many countries such as Wales, England, Ireland and Mexico. When I complete my studies, I can see myself working in the Peace Corps or getting involved with organizations such as Doctors Without Borders.
I have reached the conclusion that it is my spirit that truly defines me. I now possess a clear focus of who I am and how I want to influence the world. My life lessons thus far will undoubtedly help me navigate the next leg of the journey. I possess the confidence, determination and persistence required to make it happen. I look forward to the contributions I can make being part of your university.
